"That Human Thing"

Part of a quote from a Heitzman book, talking about life and emotions and struggles and God's place in it all. "That Italian thing?" "That human thing."

The last two months have been two of the deepest emotionally ever for me. Lots of dealing with life on my own, and life with others. Hearing deep stories from friends I thought I knew, being vulnerable and telling them some of my past (and present) too. Admitting I love them, need them. Hearing that back. Realising even more that this is what I want to do with my life, whether it's my "job" or not. I feel like my life is starting to get more 3-D, maybe 4-D. I didn't want to stay here, be stable, need others. And now that I have the choice to stay rooted or start travelling more, I'm realising the depth that comes with deliberate solidness. Saying "I'm gonna be here for you, no matter what," and holding to that. It's different. Definitely squeezing honey from a rock.

Seeing spiritual warfare like I didn't expect to. Demonic forces and the power of prayer belong in tribal villages or at least in inner city slums, right? Didn't expect to deal with them in a clean, pleasant suburb around warm, pleasant people. But the warfare is real. My friends are dealing with forces in school. Prayer is changing things I didn't expect to change, sometimes silently, sometimes dramatically. I'm being stretched in areas I TOTALLY did not expect, and the areas where I expected challenges are walks in the park. The days when I am so at the end of anything I have and ask the Father for the next stepping stone are the days He picks me up completely. And the days when I'm waving a calm goodbye at to-do lists and tricky problems are the days when the sun goes down at 4:30pm and I'm left in empty silence wondering why I'm even here. And some of those darkest nights are when an accidental, surface chat turns into a conversation so deep and real I sign off, shaking my head and *thankful* for the dark times that remind me what's real, what is worth it. Two small candles, three, fifteen, sixty two... waiting for the sun to come out some day for eternity.