Overseas mini-debrief ?

think about a time you had a huge spiritual high. you KNEW God was there, and maybe you were singing like crazy in a worship service or sitting somewhere silently and feeling Him break over you. remember that feeling. now think about a time you were so low you were practically on the ground. isolated, in the dark, asking yourself and maybe God too what was going on. i've had both of those this last year, more than a few times, sometimes in the same month or week. but that's not what serving overseas is about. it's not what serving here is about. that's life when we follow God. along with all the in between parts. the normal, random, whatever days.

what it's about is God. overseas, i have an amazing team full of talented people. we do english as a second language, sports ministry, media, worship, coffeehouse.... and it's easy to point to that as the reason why i and they are there. we go to shine His light, right? and what better way to do that than influencing people for something better, for filling needs where we see them. *shrugs* i love my media work, and i love my teammates and being in a fascinating european city. and i get caught up in it all, and have to keep stepping back and saying, 'no... i am not here for the work. i'm not here for my team, or for me, or even to bring others to God. i'm supposed to be here for God. period.' and He uses all that, all of us. but i've seen a lot of hurts underneath normal life, too much to say that any of us humans have the answer. i have some really close friends there, believers, who are dealing with major emotional, physical, spiritual challenges, the kinds that could wreck a career or a life, and that if it weren't for God's grace would end in 'failure'. it's easy to point to those as examples of hard challenges that have to be survived with God's help. but a lot of other things could end in failure too. i was told once that 'any small problem you have in the states is going to get magnified overseas - mosquitoes turn to elephants.' i'd say that's pretty true. any insecurities may become overwhelming; friction can develop to the point of split, bitter teams and packed bags. but i wasn't told that some of the little good things turn big too. butterflies to unicorns.... being able to order in a crowded restaurant and not have the waiter automatically switch to english for the poor foreigner... that's exciting. talking 'a small walk' that ends up on the snowy mountain overlooking my entire city and stunning me... hard to beat that.

i went to bake christmas cookies with a family a few weeks ago, and in between the flour and pans i heard some deep stories about the roma gypsies they work with. there's a woman who was kicked out of her home by an abusive husband when she became a believer. she lived in the woods for a while, and instead of waiting on him to change and, you know, singing happy forest songs or going into depression, she started discipling other women. by the time she came back home, there were new believers in her village. i'd prayed for the roma before, but i'll admit, more in the sense of "God, please help the outsiders bringing the gospel to them, and help them to listen." after that cookie night, why wouldn't i pray, "please do help the outsiders, but help the Roma make the gospel their *own*."

we had a short termer, j, come in this fall. he played football on a team some long term m's had been coaching. major synergy. the long-termers had already built trust and started FCA for the players; j came in and built on that trust. he played, he helped, he even roomed with the other guys for a while, shared life and Jesus with them. and when he spoke at church, before leaving a few weeks ago, six football players (and a few girlfriends) came and heard his whole testimony, no holds barred. and you can bet that not only did he plant some seeds there, he and his friends back home are going to be praying for those players by name.

my one roommate last year was everything i'd thought a perfect m should be. extroverted. warm. caring. hugely gospel-minded. loving and direct about how Jesus is crucial to really living life. she worked with college students and led worship and did a great job with all that, but one of the best things was, she didn't live short term. she had two years to make the most of what God asked her to do, and she did. *but* as her time wound down, she didn't put all the pressure on herself or friends or decisions. she started handing over worship leading and her Bible study and seeking friends. and when she got on that plane, it wasn't the end of what she'd been pouring her heart into, praying about, for so long. now there are several of us there, not even all m's, carrying on what she started. there's a group of asian medical students who are now hosting her college Bible study at their apartment. some of the other university students are taking on responsibility for coffeehouse, which is a great conversation and contact point. and a few of us have taken over leading worship at our international church. and when i leave, i'll follow her example and be passing on my own projects and life. sustainable community. it's not about what we're doing, it's about what God's doing, about His glory in all the nations.

a couple weeks ago, we went around the circle at the college study and prayed... we had six languages going on and about ten people. one small room and one small group, going to the Father about classes, work, friends, everything. i've heard the trumpeters in polish towers, and carols in the marketplace in hungary, and the greek folk music, but that prayertime was definitely one of the most beautiful things i've heard since overseas.

"That Human Thing"

Part of a quote from a Heitzman book, talking about life and emotions and struggles and God's place in it all. "That Italian thing?" "That human thing."

The last two months have been two of the deepest emotionally ever for me. Lots of dealing with life on my own, and life with others. Hearing deep stories from friends I thought I knew, being vulnerable and telling them some of my past (and present) too. Admitting I love them, need them. Hearing that back. Realising even more that this is what I want to do with my life, whether it's my "job" or not. I feel like my life is starting to get more 3-D, maybe 4-D. I didn't want to stay here, be stable, need others. And now that I have the choice to stay rooted or start travelling more, I'm realising the depth that comes with deliberate solidness. Saying "I'm gonna be here for you, no matter what," and holding to that. It's different. Definitely squeezing honey from a rock.

Seeing spiritual warfare like I didn't expect to. Demonic forces and the power of prayer belong in tribal villages or at least in inner city slums, right? Didn't expect to deal with them in a clean, pleasant suburb around warm, pleasant people. But the warfare is real. My friends are dealing with forces in school. Prayer is changing things I didn't expect to change, sometimes silently, sometimes dramatically. I'm being stretched in areas I TOTALLY did not expect, and the areas where I expected challenges are walks in the park. The days when I am so at the end of anything I have and ask the Father for the next stepping stone are the days He picks me up completely. And the days when I'm waving a calm goodbye at to-do lists and tricky problems are the days when the sun goes down at 4:30pm and I'm left in empty silence wondering why I'm even here. And some of those darkest nights are when an accidental, surface chat turns into a conversation so deep and real I sign off, shaking my head and *thankful* for the dark times that remind me what's real, what is worth it. Two small candles, three, fifteen, sixty two... waiting for the sun to come out some day for eternity.